I told my sister Wendy a long time ago that at the end of my mission in Chile, the missionaries who were leaving all went to the Temple in Santiago. After the session, I was in the dressing room getting ready to leave, and I looked in the mirror. It was one of the few times in my life that I liked what I saw. I knew that I had fulfilled a worthy mission, and for the first time in my life, I knew that I could honestly say I had done all that I could have done. I was not perfect, but I felt like Heavenly Father was pleased with me. It was the first and only time I have felt that way.
I think about that again now, as I see these years I have as a mother zooming past. My little boy is turning 11. I am so thankful to be his mother. But when my time with him is over, I hope I will be able to look at him, and in the mirror of me that he has become, and know that I have done everything I could have done to be the best mother I could have been. I find myself falling short constantly. Trying to assess and re-assess all of the things that I should be doing every day. Trying to prioritise what is the most important. Trying to unclutter my thoughts and my house so I can be close to the spirit to be inspired to be the Mom that I know my boys need. The time is speeding by so fast, and I already regret decisions that I have made and things that I have done. Things that I have not done.
I look at my sister's children. I see how they all have strong testimonies, good marriages, beautiful children. All are self-sufficient. Some are in College, with full scholarships, preparing for missions. All really good kids. Mothers and women who I used to baby sit for, who I now call some of my closest friends. I am very proud of Clint, and I am so grateful that he is such a good, sweet and honest boy.
I have little moments like this when I can see things that I need to do better and I have the resolve to get it right, but it never lasts for long.
I am an emotional basket case. And I don't have any answers. But I know the answers lie in reading the scriptures, lots of prayer, family home evening, quality family time, dinners together, commitment to our faith...
Some of those things I do better than others. Sometimes I don't seem to quite do any of them right. I am just so thankful that the gospel of Jesus Christ as an organization helps so much with the raising of young men. Because I realize more than ever that I we as parents can't do it alone. But I feel like, at least for now, we are on the right track. I pray we stay that way.
Christmas Letter Cookies – Four Ways
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