Tuesday, May 27, 2008

What's been on my mind lately...that I didn't know if I should post or not...

My next door neighbor killed herself on Thursday. She was 27 years old. I didn't know her well. Her family is private. It was very traumatic for the neighborhood...even though I felt a little detached. She was a very sweet girl, from what I knew about her. I know that she has struggled with diffrent things through out her life. But I thought she was doing well. I have tried not to think about it too much. I have a lot going on right now and have just been busy with things that needed to get done. And I like I said, I feel a little detached. On Friday, I taped a note on my neighbors door. Her mother and sister live there too. I just wrote that I didn't know what to say or do, but I was so sorry. They responded when I saw them and I gave them hugs, and cried a little. It is a very strange feeling I have about the whole thing. It's not really like me to be so unemotional. Maybe it's because I am trying not to think about it too much, maybe it's because I'm just not close to the family. It's wierd, and horrible all at the same time. The wierdest thing is how depressed I was before she killed herself. I blogged this horrible entry about how hopeless I felt and how much I hated myself the night before it happened. I was so very depressed. And then after she killed herself, that feeling was gone. I almost wish I hadn't deleted my post. It was like there was an evil spirit or something hovering around here, and then it was gone. Maybe if I had been closer to Heavenly Father I would have realized what it really was. Even though I don't know what it really was. But I think I feel relieved to have that feeling gone. It was a real thing. And Anna was the one who became consumed by it. I don't know. All I do know is that I need to do better. I need to be closer to Heavenly Father. I need to be a better person. I need to serve more, I need to be a more patient mom, I need to be more confident and healthy. More organized, more honest, more helpful, more loyal, stronger, braver, selfless. I know how to start. If I just read my scriptures and go to the temple, and pray, everything will fall into place. Why is it so hard for me to do such simple things? Because the world is full of loud and enticing things that I get caught up in. Not even anything bad or evil, but just loud, and unnecessary. I am feeling so insecure because of so many things. I am feeling bad about so many decisions I have made about such petty things. Like I cancelled pack meeting this Wednesday because I am helping at the funeral from 12-3, and Jeff is working all night until 10:00 pm, and won't be able to help me, and Clint has a rehersal at 6:30. And I think I upset a few people who already think I am disorganized. It is so hard to get along with people. I used to care if people liked me. But part of me is starting to care less and less. The other part of me still cares. Which is what I struggle with. I think I will probably upset a lot of people this next year with PTA. And people will judge me and point out everything that I do wrong, and every bad decision I make. Which is why I have to make sure my decisions are right. They will be right if I am closer to Heavenly Father. ANd I have to be brave and responsible for the decisions that are made. Kathryn has been a good example of being confident in her decisions. She has taken the responsibility for every decision made. Which is what I need to do. I have a tendency to place the blame on other people for any decision I make so that no one will be mad at me. I also need to just be better in a lot of ways. This past year I have also really felt more alone than I have in a long time. One reason is because Jeff has been working a lot of extra hours, and lots of times I almost feel like a single parent. It is all me from first thing in the morning until after bedtime. And because I see that a lot of people I know who have little kids have a good family network of help. I really don't have anyone. I am there for a lot of other families, but no one is really there for me. Which is okay, because I have Jeff, and he is all I need, but I could be more productive if we had parents, or family members around. And I am really struggling with Derek, and Clint right now. Derek is just exhausted all the time, and refuses to take naps. And I think he is teething because he always has his entire hand in his mouth. Clint is a very good boy, but Derek takes up most of my patience. THere really is not much left for Clint. And his friends have become more important, and some are not really his friends. And then I am so disturbed about some of these kids parents. Like when one kid shot a nest full of baby birds with his air soft gun, and his mom laughed about it with a friend of mine. If Clint had done this, that gun would be mine. How can parents be such idiots?
My next thought is wondering if I really have any friends who are going to stand by me next year.
I have Jeff. My sisters live so far away. I feel so guilty for all of the things that I have said and done. Gossip. backstabbing. Being weak. How do I go about repairing all of those things? Maybe forgive others who have done it to me? And just stop venting and complaining to others about people who upset me. Start constructing a new person for the new age I am entering into. My real and honest desire is just to be a good person, and a good friend. To make the world a better place. To help others. But how can I make the world better when there are so many idiots trying to destroy it? And how do I get Derek to take a nap.

So there, I start with my neighbors suicide, and then end up all about me agian. My mind is jumping all over the place. I'm not sure why I feel the need to throw all of these thoughts out there. But I do feel the need. And I love this new song from "the call" from "Prince Caspian". It seems very relevant to me today.

9 comments:

Lisa said...

I like this post. It makes me feel like I am not the only one. To be honest I think it is great news that pack meeting is cancelled. One less thing in my mind. It really is true. All you need is your family and Heavenly Father...I need reminding of that all the time. Hang in there. You are amazing! All you can do is your best and that's more than enough. And to answer your question...drug him. A heavy dose of something. Don't feel bad. You need the break just as much as he needs his sleep.

Kimberlinah! said...

Rachel, your post brought tears to my eyes. You are so humble and I think you are amazing. Reexamination is an important thing to do in our lives and and your comments have made me think about what I need to reexamine in my life. Thank you, thank you. I'm here for you. I know I'm not your sister, but I do want to help. Call me anytime.

winla said...

First of all: You are fabulous, and REAL, and one of the most honest, loyal people I know!!
Second...I can totally relate to everything you said. (Mark works till 11:00 every night...and I, too feel like a single mom...especially at church where its so "family-like")
Third...You are going to be a GREAT PTA pres. And I'll definitely be there to back you up!!
SO THERE! Love ya!

Shelli said...

Rachel, I don't know where to start. I have felt the same feelings you are expressing at different times, I just know that we can't help the whole world, but we can help those in our circle of influence. I think the note on the door, was just right, and I think any act of kindness is better than none at all. I can relate to how you feel about the world pulling you in so many directions, and how we get so busy, but I know if we put "first things first" on a daily basis we will accomplish the most important things and the other things will fall into place, or they really aren't that important after all. I also agree with you about the importance of reading the scriptures daily, and having meaningful prayer. I know that Heavenly Father just waits for us, and I also know we can't do all this alone, we truly need His guidance, support and love. You are too hard on yourself, you are a kind, thoughtful, selfless person, who I admire and love.

Greg & Andrea said...

While I was reading this post I was thinking about what an amazing person you are and how everyone feels all the things that you are feeling at one time or another. I truly know how you feel about being a single parent. I only have Eva but she is a handful and with Greg being gone so much (like right now he is gone for 6 weeks) I often feel alone. And Life is stressful. There are a lot of bad people doing bad things, a million things that always need to be done, and it is easy to get so caught up in everything that you feel yourself falling apart. But I think you know exactly what to do to get back on track. Prayer is such a powerful tool that we have and heavenly Father is always there to comfort and guide us. You are a wonderful person with so many great qualities that I admire. So don't be too hard on yourself and just remember to take it one day at a time. Love you.

Rachel Bingham said...

Thanks Everybody. I really love you guys and really appreciate that you care enough to read and respond. It really means a lot. I have some really amazing friends. I am very grateful for you all. And you make me happy. Thank you! Love you!

Dave said...

Whew, Rachel take a deep breath, now exhale, take another deep breath, now exhale, one more deep breath, now exhale. I don't know if that helped any but...anyways, believe me I know life can be hard and especially when you have a gazillion things to do, it can seem overwhelming. Just relax and do what you can and the rest, delegate! As far as the idiots, well the world is full of them. I know I work with them, drive on the roads with them, watch movies at the theaters with them, you name it they're out there. Your a good person and a good wife and mother to your family. Hang in there and if there's anything we can do for you even though we are in Michigan just let us know. You know we love you guys, love Dave.

Rachel Bingham said...

Thanks Again Everybody. I love you guys!

Jenny said...

Don't feel bad about pack meeting. Not even for one second!!! Family comes first. You need to take care of yourself and your boys before you even need to worry about scouts. I think you are an amazing person. If you ever feel down or need someone to talk to, call me. I'll even come over and we can hang out. Sometimes I find myself feeling depressed too. I think you're wonderful Rachel.