Monday, February 28, 2011


I told our Bishop that we would be fine for a few months. He suggested we conserve our cash and get a food order. No way. We have beans and rice. We have tuna fish and pancake mix. I survived on Ramen and frozen burritos in college. We will get by on our own just fine. I don't need any help. I have never taken it. I won't take it. We are givers not takers. We contribute to the solution, not the problem. All of the harsh criticisms that I have thought of others taking assistance over the years came into my mind. I do not need charity or welfare...I don't need it. I don't need it. I won't I won't I won't...

Then I thought, we could seriously lose everything here. We may be without Jeff's income for awhile. We could lose our house. This is a lot harder than I was thinking it would be those first few weeks. This all kind of sucks.

I talk to myself a lot these days. Mostly pep talks, but now that reality is setting in, there is also a bit of fear and doubt. I can't see where any of this is going. And even though there is still a steady stream of little miracles, I am scared. Scared enough to realize that maybe I need more humility in my life. And that I may need a little help. I would rather take a food order than have to ask for a house payment...which may at some point still be the case. But for now, I am realizing that everyone needs help sometime...and after my trip to the Bishop's Storehouse, I understand how being in this position can change you, forever. And there is so much we can learn from any point in the road we may be on, and blessings that follow with every step.

Derek went with us today to the Storehouse to pick up the food. As we were checking out, he asked if we could buy some cute socks that were on a rack nearby. He persisted after I told him no, because they were very cool looking socks. I had to tell him that those socks were not for sale and were just for people who didn't have any socks. I reminded him that he had plenty of socks at home, and we were just there to get food. He already knew that the church was helping us to get some food so we could save our money since Dad was out of work. He helped me to put the food in bags and I could tell he was thinking about the socks, and some little kids who really didn't have any. On the way out to the car he said "Our church is the nicest place in the world to help all of those people like that...."

Yes, Derek, it really is.

And just like that, a testimony takes hold, and begins. In the humblest of circumstances, in the most unexpected places, a moment I wouldn't trade for anything. I'll take it, and be grateful to be where I am right now.


Keli said...

I read through all your posts from Jeff losing his job, and all the miracles that have come your way since. I'm crying because I've been there, and it's all true. The shock is overwhelming. The promptings to do certain things to get yourselves ready up to that point are unmistakable.

Our solace has been that there must be something better out there, and we were obviously not living up to our potential. And we all know that comes through sacrifice. It's so hard, it is, I'll tell you that, but it's so worth it! There will be miracles every day. We've been lucky enough to have our unemployment extended 3 months beyond what we expected. We've been blessed enough that we've actually saved money, more that what we ever saved when Sean had a great job. The kids are on CHIP, which is a wonderful plan, look into it for sure, and we got on food stamps. That's the hardest part for sure, but it's the biggest blessing. We've used it to help rebuild our food storage, and that is a nice feeling. We also know that this situation won't last forever, and that we paid into the system for so long, it's fine if we need to use it for a short time.

I know there aren't any words that can make you feel the security you need at this point, but I can tell you from experience, it's for the best. If you need any advice on insurance, assistance, whatever, email me, I'll help where I can. Hang in there! Hugs.

Miranda said...

I admire you my friend. Hang in there. I miss your face!! xoxo

Kylie said...

Love you guys Rachel! Don't feel any shame whatsoever in having help! We all need it at some point in our lives. I totally admire you and your honesty!