Sunday, April 4, 2010

New Title, New Blog

I have been reading through some of my older posts and I am disappointed in myself. There is a lot of negativity in some of my posts. And that is not who I want to be.

Depression is something I struggle with. It has been especially bad the past few weeks. And I don't want to be a person who is depressed. I lost my passion for blogging awhile ago. Wondering if I was a narcissist. I think for a while maybe I kind of was. The truth is that I don't feel superior to ANYONE. In fact, it is pretty much the opposite. But blogging brought me a kind of happiness. There is a little satisfaction I got if someone left me a comment, or validated my little life in some small way. And I do have a small life. So I stopped blogging for awhile. analyzing myself and everything I wrote. And it made me even more sad. Keeping everything inside made me miss the connections I have made online.

So I am upgrading my blog to a more lovely place. I re-posted my music gadget. I am reading this book called Musicophilia. About the real power of music and the brain, and about how it is so powerful, and even where it comes from is beyond the ability of most mortals. The book is written by the same author of AWAKENINGS, (remember the Robin Williams/Robert DiNero movie that was so cool and everyone loved? Same phychaitrist.) How music combats depression, and it speaks to everyone on a spiritual level. It can make us happy, or intensify any other emotion we may be having. So while some may think my choice of music is corny and childish, it also goes beyond that. My selections are sweet, magical, and full of hope. And they make me happy. And this is going to be a more happy place from now on. Even if I don't feel so happy. I feel like if I keep pretending to be happy, maybe I will be.

Inspite of all the things I can think of that irritate me, are upsetting, sad, and wrong with the world and my own personal life, I am not going to put them here. I am trying to create a happy place amidst the storms and pounding rains of life. I love my family and am trying to stay focused on the bright side. It's not easy. But at least here I can have a little safe haven full of fun times and lovely moments. Good memories that can get us through the darkest days of our lives, and remind us to find the beauty in the small things that keep us together and make our lives a little more bright.


Miranda said...

I love you. Thank you for being so candid! Even though we see each other and chat, I love stoppin' by your blog to see what you put out there. You're always so honest. I love it when I stop by your house and music is ALWAYS on. Music IS so uplifting and I always love to have it on...(if not just for the noise). It's amazing how a song can change a mood or remind you of a memory. I heart you Rachel!!

Greg & Andrea said...

I love you and I love your blog. Even the sad posts. I think the blog is a great place to vent and let all your family and friends read how you are feeling. But I do agree with righting about happy things and focusing on the good in life really does help to put one in a good mood. But again I think it is good therapy to write down your feelings. Let them out. And then it's easier (at least for me with somethings) to move on. Other things I do hold on to only to talk or write about them over and over and over again:) But that is one of the rights of rehash as many times are needed in order to keep our sanity! I love you Aunt Rachel and I love your blog happy or sad. :)

Jenny said...

You inspire me so much Rachel! Thank you for your post and your honesty. I get depressed a lot too...the glass always seems half empty in my mind. But you're right. Life is beautiful and we are in control of making it the happiest life possible. I am going to work on making that glass half full...thank you! I love you dear!

Don, Windy, and Bode said...

Love this post. You are great.My Coach at BYU used to tell us, "Fake it till you make it." That motto stuck with me and I try.