Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A New View

Last week was bad. One of those weeks where absolutely nothing goes right. I felt completely alone and so depressed. So many things in my life were wrong and beyond my control. I have always struggled with depression. I have hang-ups about medication and have never taken anti-depressants, but was thinking last week that it may be my only option for survival this winter. Of course I haven't been exercising. My schedule has changed again this year, and getting up at 5:30 am every morning again is just too hard. It was hard last year. amidst my feelings of self-pity and self-loathing, I gathered my wits about me to ask for a blessing. It helped. Then my sweet sister suggested we fast and pray. I felt guilty having her fast for me. It has been a long time since I have done a 24 hour fast. By Sunday afternoon I felt better. My calling in our ward right now is compassionate service leader. A sweet older man in our neighborhood passed away and I was in charge of the Funeral. I went through the motions of calling the neighbors and ward members to make food assignments for the lunch. I was touched by each persons response when I asked them to help. Not the slightest hesitation to help and do whatever was necessary to serve this family in some small way. By the time I called the 6th person, I think I was just so overwhelmed by the kindness of my community that when Kathy saw my name on her caller ID and answered the phone by saying "Rachel...what do you need?" I just started crying. I was so filled with the spirit of love that comes from service and felt so grateful to have the opportunity to do something useful and not in any way for myself. Service in itself is it's own reward. The best anti-depressant there is. After the funeral preparations yesterday I was driving home and just caught a glimpse of the mountains right behind me in my rear view mirror in my car. I have seen those mountains a million times. But for some reason, the way the sun was shining, and the view from my mirror was so much more beautiful than usual, I just started crying again. Out of gratitude, love, feeling close to Heavenly Father, all of it. Sometimes it just takes looking at things in a new way to re-discover the beauty and greatness of it all. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to find peace in this life. Gods laws are not open for discussion or interpretation. He is the truth, the light, and the way. We need to love everyone, serve everyone, stand for what is right, be unmovable in the gospel. Be committed when we need to get through the hard times. Pray about things we are unsure of. We can't know and understand everything now. But we need to just focus on the positive aspects of life and look for ways to serve. It is funny how in the new book/movie/mantra of Eat, Pray, Love she goes through this journey of self-discovery that no real life person could ever possibly experience for themselves to find out what we already know. Through service and a love of others is the only way to deep, profound and true happiness. So I am temporarily on a spiritual high. I know it won't last. And I am not discounting in anyway medication for depression...in fact if my winter this year is as bad as last year, it is one of my options for myself. I just needed to write all of this down before I forgot so I can help myself to try to remember how I am feeling right now. I am so grateful for my life. I wouldn't change a thing.


Laura said...

Awesome post Rachel, I loved it, thank you!

I love those spiritual highs too...it's a great feeling when we are renewed and more sensitive towards our blessings and testimony- it's like we suddently have a deeper understanding of their value and worth.

And with it seems to come a boost of pride, virtuous pride that we desire to share with others as we act, speak, and serve.

I just love you and think you are wonderful, thanks for writing that post!

Ginni Bingham LeVar said...

I'm sorry you had such a bad week last week. I'm sorry you felt so alone. I don't want you to feel so alone again though. Life is busy for everyone but for family most of us would drop anything for each other. I know I'm not close but I'm only a phone call away.

I'm glad you were able to see the beauty in life even for a few moments! I'm glad Heavenly Father opened up His arms and wrapped you in His love. We all need this from time to time.

I love you Rachel!

Greg & Andrea said...

Love this post and love you too. You are a wonderful person and I totally understand the way you are feeling right now....that is life is so good. It's an amazing feeling to sit back and realize that life will never be perfect but that doesn't mean we can't be happy and be so very grateful for what we do have. And seeing all the good that is around us. I will keep you in my prayers Aunt Rachel. Love you.