I was irritated this morning. I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30 a.m. and waited for wonderful Michelle to pick me up for my power pump class. Usually I feel better after my workout. It is a habit now thanks to Michelle. I love her and am so grateful for her in helping me to develop this schedule. But after class today, I still felt like crap.
All I want is to be a stay at home mom and take care of my family. I think I am good at it. It makes me happy. But right now, financial necessity has made work a priority. I am lucky to have found a job in my field of expertise. I am a certified teacher, but would not be willing to take on the demands of a full time teaching job. I worked at the school from hell for 10 years. Remember The Trunchbull in Matilda...that was my life. I saw myself as Miss Honey, and got through it okay. But was eternally grateful to be able to retire from THAT school, and just stay home for awhile when Derek was born.
I am grateful for my new job. I work with really sweet teachers and an amazingly compassionate literacy facilitator who is my boss. I am home by 12:30 nearly every day. I don't mind it while I am there. I work with kids who don't qualify for resource, but are behind in reading. But it still takes me away from what I really want to be doing. The economy and Jeff's pay cut have made it necessary.
I am also juggling teaching art after school and preschool art classes a few days a week in addition to my reading teaching job that I do every day. I also tend the neighborhood kids after school, which I really do LOVE.
Today, after dropping of Derek at one of my many amazingly sweet and helpful neighbors' house, I trudged off to school...resenting that we are only half-way through the year...and after a long holiday weekend, it is doubly hard to return....
Feeling sorry for myself, and being a little more irritated than usual, I made it to school on time. Today was slightly out of the ordinary. A few times a month, we take classes for teachers so they can test their students individually during class time. I had a first grade class today. I know the students, and I like them...but again, I just felt...depressed and irritable. I went through the motions of centers and reading instruction, and got through the morning. For the last half hour, we did a Martin Luther King Jr. wrap up...which included an "I have a dream" worksheet, and a black history story...about Harriet Tubman.
When the little 6 year olds started to ask me why I was crying, I realized that I missed teaching. And I did cry. But as every 1st grader knows, there is a difference between sad tears and happy tears...
and realizing how many people in our country's history that were like Harriet Tubman was exactly what I needed today. People who willingly gave EVERYTHING they had to make a difference in the life of another...completely unselfish, protected by the hand of God to carry out a divine purpose...I am so grateful, that on a gloomy winters day, when I really needed it, I found some meaning, once again, with the help of some of Heavenly Fathers greatest gift to us all...little children, and a fearless, strong, selfless, god-loving American Women. God bless America and the people whose histories have made this country great. And may we ALL live our lives as Americans worthy of our histories, and make contributions for the future of this land, and for the future of our children.
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