I know teaching is what I am good at. I know it is what I am suppose to do. It's just that it is hard to say goodbye to the old life I have had for the past 6 years that I have loved so much. So many days after Derek was finally born, I just couldn't believe how lucky I was to have 2 amazing boys, and a wonderful husband who supported me to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.
Sometimes I would pray and feel like I wasn't doing enough in the world to make a difference and would ask Heavenly Father for guidance so I could do more. I always had a very clear thought in my mind as a response to enjoy every minute with my kids, because this is what I was suppose to be doing, for now. And with time, more would come.
I did love and enjoy all of it. There were times where it was hard. Money has always been tight, and I have gone without, but my kids never did. And I have the pictures to prove it, and I am so grateful I do.
This last year has been hard and full of twists and turns. Jeff losing his job has by far been the most difficult. Every month I have written a tithing check, praying that somehow, by some miracle we would get through the next month. And so far, we have. What has been the most difficult is my loss of time that I used to have. Re-certifying and picking up all the extra hours at work has been hard. I miss my time with Derek most of all. Hanging out all day with him, really talking to him, having fun with him and his friends, walking to the park, playing outside all day...
I teach writing on Monday and Tuesday afternoons to a class of 5th graders. I love it. I really do, but it sucks my creativity, and patience, and there is not a ton left for when I get home for my own kids. And then there are the car repairs that need to be taken care of, and I still don't know how...there are dealing with Jeff's bad days, shuffling my kids around to do what I have to get done during the day at work and classes. Then there are still my old insecurities that have always been with me that manifest themselves even stronger and uglier when things get hard. And I still don't know how to break the debilitating hold they can have over me.
I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of preparations that I need to make for next year teaching 2nd grade. I am so grateful for the job, and it is a miracle how it has happened, and I would have never pursued it if Jeff hadn't lost his job. I know it is what I am suppose to be doing, but today I just miss Derek. And I worry about whether or not I will be able to do a good job, and be a good mom. It is hard to do both. I just hope I can.