Tuesday, November 23, 2010


It's always been really important for me to have everyone like me. Sometimes I do and say things that are stupid. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with situations and am not completely straight forward because I am worried and think of the easiest way to deal with things. I feel like I have lost a lot of friends over the years. I find myself tearing my personality apart agonizing over things I could or should have done differently. I wonder what people say about me when I am not around. I wonder who my friends really are. I feel alone, and turn back to Heavenly Father. I try to focus on my relationship with him, and I know that really, the only thing I truly need to worry about is where I stand with him. I get mad at myself that I let so many other distractions continue to get in the way with my relationship with him, and things that keep me doing what I can for others who need my help. I seem to focus on people who don't really like me and try to think of ways to bring them back around while there are good, sweet, loyal and wonderful people waiting for me to bring them more into my life. So much of my energy is wasted on people who don't want or care what I have to offer. I feel like my relationship with Jeff is better than I deserve. I often feel like I have to tone my relationship down when I hear other people talking about their marriages because I love Jeff so much and he is so sweet and patient with me and he is always there. I love my nieces and my sisters. I love my brother. I love my kids and I LOVE all of the kids in my little community. I sometimes feel unappreciated. I wish I didn't care. But again, the only one I have to feel okay with is Heavenly Father. I need to remember to focus on that. I need to forgive, and move on and fill my life with people who care. I just wish I could remember that.

A few days ago my friend called me to get a recipe for lemon bars. She had to make them for a work meeting she had the following day. I could tell she was stressed. She had been working all day, had a family to take care of when she got home, had church meetings that night, and had to make lemon bars on top of that somewhere during the evening. I asked her if she just wanted me to make them for her. "NO NO no no no...no...I just need the recipe." I read it to her over the phone and she hung up. I had this nagging feeling that I should just call her and make them. But I have over-stepped my bounds before. I have even offended people by wanting to help. Every time you offer service, you run a risk of doing something wrong or being rejected. I have done it. Many times. The key is to be closer to Heavenly Father so you can know when someone really needs you or not. I am only there maybe 20% of the time. So I feel like I always run a risk. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I called her and told her I had already started and was making the bars for her...complete silence on the other end of the phone followed by "thank you.....you have no idea..." I hung up the phone and felt the overwhelming acknowledgement of the Holy Ghost that covered me with that confirmation that at least this time I had gotten it right. The feeling didn't last. A few minuets later I was overcome by all of the times the previous week that I hadn't done anything right...I recognized the work of a very different power immediately and prayed to Heavenly Father there standing in the kitchen to make it go away...and it did. With me asking for forgiveness and the ability to recognize and accomplish the things I should do. I'm trying. Falling short constantly, but trying. Thinking of so many people I should apologize to, and looking for ways to realize that others who have hurt me are just trying to get by as best they can. Realizing that every day I can start again and try to be even better. I am so grateful for time. More than anything else, for time, so I can try to keep getting it right.