Change

"You know how you have that fear in the back of your mind that even though you have done everything you can to get your teaching certificate, the state would find some problem with your application or with the 100 educator points you have worked so hard to get, or some other loophole that you overlooked and they would deny your application and you wouldn't have a job anymore next year??? Well, I don't have to worry about that anymore...It's official, and it came in the mail today. And.....Derek won a medal in the science fair after I prepped him all weekend for being a good sport when he didn't win...Somehow, I think I can get through the rest of the hard stuff, at least for today."--taken from my facebook page last Tuesday My life is about to change.

I know teaching is what I am good at. I know it is what I am suppose to do. It's just that it is hard to say goodbye to the old life I have had for the past 6 years that I have loved so much. So many days after Derek was finally born, I just couldn't believe how lucky I was to have 2 amazing boys, and a wonderful husband who supported me to be the kind of mom I wanted to be.

Sometimes I would pray and feel like I wasn't doing enough in the world to make a difference and would ask Heavenly Father for guidance so I could do more. I always had a very clear thought in my mind as a response to enjoy every minute with my kids, because this is what I was suppose to be doing, for now. And with time, more would come.

I did love and enjoy all of it. There were times where it was hard. Money has always been tight, and I have gone without, but my kids never did. And I have the pictures to prove it, and I am so grateful I do.

This last year has been hard and full of twists and turns. Jeff losing his job has by far been the most difficult. Every month I have written a tithing check, praying that somehow, by some miracle we would get through the next month. And so far, we have. What has been the most difficult is my loss of time that I used to have. Re-certifying and picking up all the extra hours at work has been hard. I miss my time with Derek most of all. Hanging out all day with him, really talking to him, having fun with him and his friends, walking to the park, playing outside all day...

I teach writing on Monday and Tuesday afternoons to a class of 5th graders. I love it. I really do, but it sucks my creativity, and patience, and there is not a ton left for when I get home for my own kids. And then there are the car repairs that need to be taken care of, and I still don't know how...there are dealing with Jeff's bad days, shuffling my kids around to do what I have to get done during the day at work and classes. Then there are still my old insecurities that have always been with me that manifest themselves even stronger and uglier when things get hard. And I still don't know how to break the debilitating hold they can have over me.

I am feeling overwhelmed with the amount of preparations that I need to make for next year teaching 2nd grade. I am so grateful for the job, and it is a miracle how it has happened, and I would have never pursued it if Jeff hadn't lost his job. I know it is what I am suppose to be doing, but today I just miss Derek. And I worry about whether or not I will be able to do a good job, and be a good mom. It is hard to do both. I just hope I can.

God loves Dogs

I came home from church today and found this giant bag of dog food on the front porch. There was a note written on the bag "We love you guys and your dog". It had kind of been at the back of my mind since this whole ordeal with Jeff's employment situation that Rex would possibly one of the next things to go. But I guess we are keeping him. Another sweet miracle for my kids, and that dog. I know for certain...God loves dogs. Especially Rex!

"They Will Hold"

"They will hold." What Aragon said when Gandolf told him he would find reinforcements on the 5th day. The people of Rohan were going to the fortress of Helms Deep to flee from the army of Saurumon. "The defenses will HAVE to hold."
"They will hold."
There was no doubt or question in his answer. "They will hold."

I have watched the 3 Lord of the Rings movies a lot the past few weeks. I know many people would not understand. But there are those who understand perfectly. That these movies, and the truths that are evidence in them are a source of strength. An analogy of all that is hopeful. Enduring to the end, never losing faith, and that THE SUN WILL RISE. If we can just hold on, as best we can, even though the enemy is beating down the gates, and the walls are caving in. Even if our courage hangs by a thread. If we can believe in eachother, and stand together, even though we think the night cannot possibly get blacker, and then it starts to rain. If we can gather our resources of strength about us and fall back when we have to, but still never surrender...the reinforcements will arrive.

I am waiting for the reinforcements. Struggling against everything that I feel is stacked against me. Being so depressed about the circumstances that I am currently in. Pretending to be happy and optimistic, when in reality I feel hopeless and scared about getting through the next couple of months. I try to live my life like nothing has changed. Trying to stay happy and make life fun for my kids, and myself. I try to find things to look forward to, but my schedule is starting to catch up with me. Between working extra hours whenever I can and taking classes to re-certify, I am getting pretty used up. Physically and emotionally. It's hard. And I have days when I am mad about the whole situation and start to place blame...on Jeff. Even though he is wonderful and I know he is trying, it's hard. But then I watch the Two Towers again, and I remember: My defenses will have to hold. I don't know how long this is going to take. The night is dark. The Orcs are pounding and chanting at the gates, and it is just about to rain. But I know if I can get through the night...if I can just continue to be in survival mode...if I can keep fulfilling my callings and keep my faith even when things are hard, the sun will rise.

I just hope it's soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQPFwgQi8z8

Unexpected

I told our Bishop that we would be fine for a few months. He suggested we conserve our cash and get a food order. No way. We have beans and rice. We have tuna fish and pancake mix. I survived on Ramen and frozen burritos in college. We will get by on our own just fine. I don't need any help. I have never taken it. I won't take it. We are givers not takers. We contribute to the solution, not the problem. All of the harsh criticisms that I have thought of others taking assistance over the years came into my mind. I do not need charity or welfare...I don't need it. I don't need it. I won't I won't I won't...

Then I thought, we could seriously lose everything here. We may be without Jeff's income for awhile. We could lose our house. This is a lot harder than I was thinking it would be those first few weeks. This all kind of sucks.

I talk to myself a lot these days. Mostly pep talks, but now that reality is setting in, there is also a bit of fear and doubt. I can't see where any of this is going. And even though there is still a steady stream of little miracles, I am scared. Scared enough to realize that maybe I need more humility in my life. And that I may need a little help. I would rather take a food order than have to ask for a house payment...which may at some point still be the case. But for now, I am realizing that everyone needs help sometime...and after my trip to the Bishop's Storehouse, I understand how being in this position can change you, forever. And there is so much we can learn from any point in the road we may be on, and blessings that follow with every step.

Derek went with us today to the Storehouse to pick up the food. As we were checking out, he asked if we could buy some cute socks that were on a rack nearby. He persisted after I told him no, because they were very cool looking socks. I had to tell him that those socks were not for sale and were just for people who didn't have any socks. I reminded him that he had plenty of socks at home, and we were just there to get food. He already knew that the church was helping us to get some food so we could save our money since Dad was out of work. He helped me to put the food in bags and I could tell he was thinking about the socks, and some little kids who really didn't have any. On the way out to the car he said "Our church is the nicest place in the world to help all of those people like that...."

Yes, Derek, it really is.

And just like that, a testimony takes hold, and begins. In the humblest of circumstances, in the most unexpected places, a moment I wouldn't trade for anything. I'll take it, and be grateful to be where I am right now.

Valentines Day

Valentines Day... I woke up to this....

What more could a girl want???

Five Dollars

"I thought you said you had 'eight' dollars" I yelled at Jeff. Irritated that we were going to have to get back in the car and go find an ATM. "No," Jeff replied. "I said 'A' dollar". This is nothing new. Whenever I attempt to go to the temple, nothing ever works out. Today was no exception. Neither one of us have temple clothes that fit. We would have to rent a dress and suit. We needed a few dollars. We started to go back into the car. I got in and noticed Jeff talking to someone in a car that stopped behind ours. I thought it was just someone he knew. I waited, looking at my clock on my cell phone. This was going to be much longer than I had expected. What else is new?
Jeff came to my side of the car and opened my door. "That lady just stopped and noticed that we were getting back into the car and asked if there was something she could do to help...I told her we forgot to bring some cash for clothes, she just gave me five dollars...I tried to get her info so I could pay her back...but she insisted that we just keep it."

I felt completely unworthy, and grateful at the same time. I was determined to not feel unworthy, since that is what I always struggle with when I come to the temple. I have recently come to realize that it has to do with my pride. I tried to shrug all of my self-centered and insecure feelings off before I entered. I tried really hard to replace them with gratitude. I almost started crying when the cute and sweet little Japanese man at the entrance took my recommend and said "Sister Bingham, Welcome to the Temple."

I got dressed and went up to the chapel to wait for Jeff. He was taking awhile, so I felt like I should really go back out to see if he was waiting for me downstairs. I went to the seating area outside the dressing room, and there were 3 temple workers around this little lady who seemed a little distressed. They told her to sit down, and huddled together away from her, talking in whispers, trying to work something out. I tried not to look like I was interested, and sat down to wait for Jeff. I tried not to look at the little lady sitting down, but she did catch my eye from across the room and said softly, "espanol?"

"Si", I replied. She clapped her hands and started talking to me in Spanish about how she was from Peru, and her husband was here, she couldn't find him and he may have mis-understood what ordinance they were suppose to do first and she needed to find him, and no one understood where he was and that he didin 't speak english...and no one understood what she was asking...just then the other 3 ladies came over and I was able to tell them what she needed. They found her husband. Then she told me that he needed clothes, and she didn't bring any cash, and she wasn't sure how much it would cost. Just then Jeff came out, and he gave the last 3 dollars from the five that the lady in the parking lot had given us. Miracles all around. Sometimes there just is absolutly no doubt...the church is true, and Heavenly Father is leading us. And it is the little things that mean the most.

The Tide

This was suppose to be the year. The year the tide finally turned and all of our financial problems would come to an end. I had an indisputable urge this past fall to get my teaching certificate re-newed, and by this time next year we would be on top of the world. All of our money troubles would be over with. Both my boys would be in school at the same time I would be. We would have two decent sized incomes. I started dreaming of new cars and family vacations. Everything was going to be wonderful. Easy. Perfect. For the first time ever, money would not be an issue.
But I had no right to dream of such things. In fact, I feel like I am being punished for thinking them. And maybe I am.
Jeff lost his job yesterday. I am in shock. I shouldn't be. Jeff has had to let a lot of people go the over the past 2 years. I guess I just really thought he was safe. He wasn't. No one really is. The whole thing has come at a really bad time. For the first time in our married life, we won't have insurance, which is what I am the most worried about. Clint needs braces, we are still in strep and flu season, Derek gets toothaches sometimes...
Next year, if I can get hired as a teacher somewhere, we will have insurance again. And the education system has great insurance...and now I fully understand, and am so grateful for the overwhelming need I had to re-certify. I know Heavenly Father was looking out for us then, and was trying to tell me what I needed to prepare for. I am ready to do it. I am also ready to do what is necessary to help our family understand what it is Heavenly Father wants us to learn from this. Or where he wants us to go. In spite of how awful the whole thing is, and how typical of me it is to think the worse, the only thing I feel right now it gratitude. I am so grateful that Jeff didn't lose his job when Derek was a baby. I am so grateful I was able to be a stay at home mom when it was so important. I am so grateful that I have a teaching certificate. I am so grateful we are healthy and strong, have a good community and families to help get us through this. I am grateful for Jeff, Clint and Derek. I am feeling strong at the moment. Opening myself up for the possibilities the future holds. Getting ready to accept whatever happens next. Realizing I need Heavenly Father now more than ever. I know I won't be able to hold on to this feeling forever, but I guess I thought maybe if I wrote about it, it just might stick around a little longer. I hope I can stay strong. I will do the best I can.

Self-esteem

It's always been really important for me to have everyone like me. Sometimes I do and say things that are stupid. Sometimes I don't know how to deal with situations and am not completely straight forward because I am worried and think of the easiest way to deal with things. I feel like I have lost a lot of friends over the years. I find myself tearing my personality apart agonizing over things I could or should have done differently. I wonder what people say about me when I am not around. I wonder who my friends really are. I feel alone, and turn back to Heavenly Father. I try to focus on my relationship with him, and I know that really, the only thing I truly need to worry about is where I stand with him. I get mad at myself that I let so many other distractions continue to get in the way with my relationship with him, and things that keep me doing what I can for others who need my help. I seem to focus on people who don't really like me and try to think of ways to bring them back around while there are good, sweet, loyal and wonderful people waiting for me to bring them more into my life. So much of my energy is wasted on people who don't want or care what I have to offer. I feel like my relationship with Jeff is better than I deserve. I often feel like I have to tone my relationship down when I hear other people talking about their marriages because I love Jeff so much and he is so sweet and patient with me and he is always there. I love my nieces and my sisters. I love my brother. I love my kids and I LOVE all of the kids in my little community. I sometimes feel unappreciated. I wish I didn't care. But again, the only one I have to feel okay with is Heavenly Father. I need to remember to focus on that. I need to forgive, and move on and fill my life with people who care. I just wish I could remember that.

A few days ago my friend called me to get a recipe for lemon bars. She had to make them for a work meeting she had the following day. I could tell she was stressed. She had been working all day, had a family to take care of when she got home, had church meetings that night, and had to make lemon bars on top of that somewhere during the evening. I asked her if she just wanted me to make them for her. "NO NO no no no...no...I just need the recipe." I read it to her over the phone and she hung up. I had this nagging feeling that I should just call her and make them. But I have over-stepped my bounds before. I have even offended people by wanting to help. Every time you offer service, you run a risk of doing something wrong or being rejected. I have done it. Many times. The key is to be closer to Heavenly Father so you can know when someone really needs you or not. I am only there maybe 20% of the time. So I feel like I always run a risk. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I called her and told her I had already started and was making the bars for her...complete silence on the other end of the phone followed by "thank you.....you have no idea..." I hung up the phone and felt the overwhelming acknowledgement of the Holy Ghost that covered me with that confirmation that at least this time I had gotten it right. The feeling didn't last. A few minuets later I was overcome by all of the times the previous week that I hadn't done anything right...I recognized the work of a very different power immediately and prayed to Heavenly Father there standing in the kitchen to make it go away...and it did. With me asking for forgiveness and the ability to recognize and accomplish the things I should do. I'm trying. Falling short constantly, but trying. Thinking of so many people I should apologize to, and looking for ways to realize that others who have hurt me are just trying to get by as best they can. Realizing that every day I can start again and try to be even better. I am so grateful for time. More than anything else, for time, so I can try to keep getting it right.

Happy Halloween!!!

Jeff"s 40th Birthday

Jeff's 40th birthday went like this: I got pizza from Papa Murphys. I called Derek from Target and he told me to get the Harry Potter Cake. I bought party hats, giant balloons with the rubber bands on them so you can bob them back and forth, I got oreo cookie ice cream.

Garrett, Preston, Kooyman, Clint, and Derek looked around the house for Harry Potter stuff. The broomstick, and the Quidditch snitch. We sang happy birthday while Jeff tried to blow out the trick candles. Perfect magic candles for the Harry Potter theme.

I secretely took the boys into the living room and handed them each a cold Bundeberg Ginger beer and told them to think of something they liked about Jeff. Each one said what they liked while they handed them his bottle. Derek: Your really Fun, Garrett : You're nice, Preston: you're funny, Kooy: Deer Hunting (?) Clint: Glad you're my Dad.

Then we ate Pizza and the kids told Jeff about letterboxing at Wheeler Farm earlier today and not being able to find any but one letterbox...Then Jeff said something about leaving the gold plates on the farm alone but looking under the golden plates for the letterbox and I realized again how much I love him.

He had all the little boys laughing so hard rootbeer was coming out their noses.

I spun the cake around and had the boys close their eyes and grab a ring from the top of the cake where ever it stopped. Jeff and Derek cheated and got Griffindor.

I think I ended up with Ravenclaw. Clint wasn't happy at all about getting Slytherin. But we all know he is a real Griffindor boy. Jeff got all the Bunderberg Ginger Beer he could drink for about 2 weeks. Not a bad birthday at all.

The next night we went to Jeff's favorite restaurant with the grown-ups at The Gateway downtown. It was a lovely evening...but I didn't laugh even half as much. I love my family, and I love being home. And I love Jeff. Happy Birthday!

A New View

Last week was bad. One of those weeks where absolutely nothing goes right. I felt completely alone and so depressed. So many things in my life were wrong and beyond my control. I have always struggled with depression. I have hang-ups about medication and have never taken anti-depressants, but was thinking last week that it may be my only option for survival this winter. Of course I haven't been exercising. My schedule has changed again this year, and getting up at 5:30 am every morning again is just too hard. It was hard last year. amidst my feelings of self-pity and self-loathing, I gathered my wits about me to ask for a blessing. It helped. Then my sweet sister suggested we fast and pray. I felt guilty having her fast for me. It has been a long time since I have done a 24 hour fast. By Sunday afternoon I felt better. My calling in our ward right now is compassionate service leader. A sweet older man in our neighborhood passed away and I was in charge of the Funeral. I went through the motions of calling the neighbors and ward members to make food assignments for the lunch. I was touched by each persons response when I asked them to help. Not the slightest hesitation to help and do whatever was necessary to serve this family in some small way. By the time I called the 6th person, I think I was just so overwhelmed by the kindness of my community that when Kathy saw my name on her caller ID and answered the phone by saying "Rachel...what do you need?" I just started crying. I was so filled with the spirit of love that comes from service and felt so grateful to have the opportunity to do something useful and not in any way for myself. Service in itself is it's own reward. The best anti-depressant there is. After the funeral preparations yesterday I was driving home and just caught a glimpse of the mountains right behind me in my rear view mirror in my car. I have seen those mountains a million times. But for some reason, the way the sun was shining, and the view from my mirror was so much more beautiful than usual, I just started crying again. Out of gratitude, love, feeling close to Heavenly Father, all of it. Sometimes it just takes looking at things in a new way to re-discover the beauty and greatness of it all. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to find peace in this life. Gods laws are not open for discussion or interpretation. He is the truth, the light, and the way. We need to love everyone, serve everyone, stand for what is right, be unmovable in the gospel. Be committed when we need to get through the hard times. Pray about things we are unsure of. We can't know and understand everything now. But we need to just focus on the positive aspects of life and look for ways to serve. It is funny how in the new book/movie/mantra of Eat, Pray, Love she goes through this journey of self-discovery that no real life person could ever possibly experience for themselves to find out what we already know. Through service and a love of others is the only way to deep, profound and true happiness. So I am temporarily on a spiritual high. I know it won't last. And I am not discounting in anyway medication for depression...in fact if my winter this year is as bad as last year, it is one of my options for myself. I just needed to write all of this down before I forgot so I can help myself to try to remember how I am feeling right now. I am so grateful for my life. I wouldn't change a thing.

4th of July Pie

Can you possibly get more American than this???

Sisters say it best

I copied this off of my sister Wendy's facebook page. Sisters understand eachother, and if the Disney gene of emotion runs in your family, you just might understand it too... Wendy Rawlins Stebar

Pixar’s Parable – Toy Story 3 …or… “Why the heck am I crying?”

What is it about Truth that makes our eyes tear up? ...Like:

“If we all hold hands and stick together, we can get through anything.

That we never leave anybody behind stuck in a trash bin.

That sometimes our Rescue is at the very last minute when hope is only hanging by a thread;
and that Help can come in the most unlikely and unexpected ways.

That Loyalty, Friendship, and Love are the most valuable attributes one can have in life, no matter how long or short that life may be…

And that “looking up” is always the answer.

Lastly, that the absolute WORST THING You can become is a bitter, selfish, controlling and miserable old Bear!"

Utopia

The flowers around here this year are even more beautiful than usual. It might have something to do with all the rain we have had this spring.I was looking around at the wonderful flowers in our neighborhood and of the equally wonderful people whose yards they were in and it got me thinking....

A few days ago I walked outside to see my next door neighbor scolding Derek and Kooy, one of his best friends from down the street. She shook her finger at them and got right in their faces...and I stood quietly at the door and smiled to myself. She wasn't scolding them because they had broken her window, or stepped in her flower beds. She was implementing the importance of not walking behind running cars in driveways where a driver may not be able to see you, something they had just done.

I walked over and thanked her afterwards. And listened to her complain about fast drivers that she yells at when they occasionally speed down our street. And how the boys have got to be more careful...I told her how much more meaning it has for them coming from her. She understands. And I won't tell her how much it means to me that she is always out in her front garden looking out for all the kids. I won't tell her how much easier she makes my job of being a mom by being concerned and unafraid to correct the boys when their safety is in jeopardy. I appreciate her so much.

I look across the street to see my other neighbors beautiful rose filled front yard. It reminds me of a cottage in the woods from one of my favorite fairy tales. A place where a young princess would live. When we first moved into the neighborhood and Clint and some of the other kids were climbing on her green picket fence, I yelled at them to get off. She corrected me and told me that there was nothing in her yard that hadn't already been broken. She has welcomed all the kids in the neighborhood to go and swing on the hammock, play with Theo the dog, or just sit in the cool and quiet shade while she hands out root beers and popsicles.

Last year when Clint was house sitting for them, he left their sprinkler on. It flooded the basement. 2 inches of water by morning. I was completely mortified. We spent the entire day moving their furniture out of the water, and pulling up carpet...assessing the damage. They came home to find us rushing over to them, me in tears, telling them what happened. Not even the slightest hint of anger from them. Laughter, followed by hugs and them trying to make me feel better...them telling us how sorry they were that we had to move all of their furniture. Them insisting on paying Clint and reminding how much more important he was to them than any furniture or carpet. Not another word about it for almost a year afterwards, except for when Jeff tried to offer to tile their basement for them, and they refused.

Being the perfect example of unconditional love and the importance and worth of every soul. I have never seen them turn anyone, friend or otherwise, away from their door. In fact, most are invited inside for a cool drink.They give all they have, and then give more. Time, money, service, equipment. All of it. They make us all want to be the same: Giving, kind, open, wonderful.Giving runs in the neighborhood. To the opposite side of my house is another neighbor with an open yard policy where anyone can come and swing on the swing. Toys litter the yard because kids are the most important thing there. And every child feels welcome and at home.

Down the street, another mom has gotten me through a very difficult year. I could not have worked last year without her. She deals with Derek in a no-nonsense matter. Tough love mixed with patience and understanding. Letting him be upset when he needed to, getting him to preschool, helping me to understand that he will be just fine while I am at work in spite of his temper-tantrums. Derek has a best friend right down the street. She has listened to me on countless occasions complain and stress. Compassion and sympathy, and an occasional "Snap out of it" when I need it. A real friend who is willingly to help when I need it.

From down our own street to around the corner and down the blocks and back are more friends who love and care about Derek and Clint. Good friends who make them feel welcome and are always fun to have at our house. And we love them too.

Half way around the block is my sweet friend who puts up with me no matter what and can always help me see things as they really are, and to JUST NOT WORRY about it. It always has been and will always be one of our favorite places in the neighborhood to visit. And their family is such an example of perfect faith, and realizing what is really important in life. They are so open and welcoming to all. An example of the majority of the homes in our little neighborhood.

A few houses down from her and across the street is a family that has helped us for years. Giving in so many ways. They have been in Clint's life for a very long time. I used to drop him off before school before I had Derek when I was still teaching. They have older boys who are a huge influence in Clint's life. They let him tag along for yard work in the neighborhood, they let him borrow their sporting equipment, They are examples to him of good priesthood holders. The mom was there for me when I struggled with Clint's first year in first grade, which was hard on him. And I made so many mistakes. She just happened to show up before a nervous breakdown right after Derek was born and I couldn't get him to nurse. She has been someone I have looked to as another mom when I have had problems with Clint becoming a teenager. I don't think she knows how much she has done for me. But she has been another major blessing in my life. Her family has.

Across the main street and one block down is another sweet friend that I could not have gotten through this past year without. Someone who never asked for anything in return for helping with Derek when I was sometimes at the end of my rope. Again, I think she has no idea how much she helped our family just by her attitude and compassion. And she is an amazing mom.
2 streets over is another family who has literally saved us in many ways. From helping us with major furnace problems to taking care of Clint after school for years while I was working, gave me a blessing when I was going through my post-pardum when I didn't even know what I had. Dropped everything every time I have showed up on their doorstep. Let Clint and Derek borrow countless videos, been the perfect example of compassion for everyone. Welcomed everyone into their homes and lives.

One more street over is another friend who makes me laugh and has so much positive energy that I feel like the sun is shining whenever she is around. And we love just being with her family. She effortlessly keeps everything together, and has a lovely outlook on life that is infectious. I feel so lucky to have her influence in our lives.
Ultimately, there are many more houses in our little community that I would like to include...all my adopted sisters who have listened to me on countless occasions over lunch at Zupa's and the Olive Garden, or who have allowed their sweet and beautiful children to play with mine, girls I have gone to movies at Jordan Commons with, and had pedicures at a variety of nail salons with. In good times and bad, through insecurities and happy times. Letting me fill the empty parts of my heart from living so far away from my family with their lighthearted laughs and quick wits, their interest and support. I have found enough surrogates here to make my life complete. In a working class neighborhood where no one really has much of anything, I feel like we have the greatest riches of all. I feel like I have found Utopia.