I'm tired. That would be the one word I use to describe my feelings right now. I am not tired in necessarily a bad way. I mean, I am exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and just about any other way there is to be tired. But at the same time, I feel content. I would be a basket case if I had had to go back to work sooner, when Derek was little. Even though I was working part time from the time he was 4. 3 if you count the year I worked as PTA President. That is just as consuming as a part time job.
I am starting to just now get a handle on my new life. I am trying to find a balance, now that after almost 5 weeks I have found my footing. I am still stumbling a lot. And I often have fear rise up when something happens at school that makes me think of my time working 7 years ago at a private school that was exactly like Crunchum Hall in Matilda by Roald Dahl. But my new school is nice. So are the kids and the parents, and the other teachers. It is a nice place to work. I am hard on myself and know what I am capable of. I have a lot of big plans, but no time to make them happen. I feel I am a good teacher. I am in my element. I feel confident, and competent. And my pay-off every day is imediate from 22 of the most adorable kids I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.At first, I missed my old life horribly. Hanging out at the park with Derek and his friends, being the one in charge of schedules for my kids. Dreaming up fun things to include the entire neighborhood. Making really great memories for my kids and their friends. Following Martha Stewart recipes and craft projects to make my home a home. Going to lunch with girlfriends, and having time to watch movies at night with Jeff. Now I run from 7:00 AM to 6PM at night, come home and prepare lesson plans, find teaching ideas, do dishes and laundry, correct papers, answer emails, and try to connect with Derek and Clint about something before 8:30 PM when I get them in bed. I love my story time with Derek and it has become more sacred than ever. Clint usually listens too, or a least reads a Batman comic book in the same room. I have great boys. I miss them.I miss Derek. But remind myself that he would be at school all day anyways. I miss Clint, but he has so much going on in his own life right now I would just be watching him run in and out constantly. He is such a great kid. Early morning seminary, National Honors Society, Guitar lessons, Cross Country Team, Scouts, MESA, Chess Club, Lawn Mowing, Homework, he is pretty amazing. I am so lucky.
Jeff sent me flowers at work yesterday. I ended up hiding them because I felt a little embarrased. He is pretty wonderful too. He is in school full time and still doing tile when he can. I am not sure how much my paycheck is going to add up to. Especially since we will be paying for insurance now. But I am hoping it will be enough.
When I think of how we got to this place, where we can stand on our own feet again, and how everything has pointed me in this direction for so long, it makes me grateful. It has not been fun. And it is still to early to see how it is all going to work out. But I know my life is unfolding as it should. I am trying to focus on the things that matter most and be happy in the moment I am in. Petty things don't bother me as much. I have cut most of the drama out of my life, and am in a peaceful place where I am focusing on my family, my kids in my class, and my trip to Disneyland!!! We need to have things to live and work for...and now I have mine. Life is good, because we make it that way no matter what we have to deal with.There is joy to find in the journey, and I am going to find it with the ones I love the most. That includes my family, friends, and 22 of the sweetest faces I get to see every day.My classroom is a happy place, and I don't think my students know how happy they make me. And it's worth it all.
Bravetart’s Homemade Nutter Butters
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