I told our Bishop that we would be fine for a few months. He suggested we conserve our cash and get a food order. No way. We have beans and rice. We have tuna fish and pancake mix. I survived on Ramen and frozen burritos in college. We will get by on our own just fine. I don't need any help. I have never taken it. I won't take it. We are givers not takers. We contribute to the solution, not the problem. All of the harsh criticisms that I have thought of others taking assistance over the years came into my mind. I do not need charity or welfare...I don't need it. I don't need it. I won't I won't I won't...
Then I thought, we could seriously lose everything here. We may be without Jeff's income for awhile. We could lose our house. This is a lot harder than I was thinking it would be those first few weeks. This all kind of sucks.
I talk to myself a lot these days. Mostly pep talks, but now that reality is setting in, there is also a bit of fear and doubt. I can't see where any of this is going. And even though there is still a steady stream of little miracles, I am scared. Scared enough to realize that maybe I need more humility in my life. And that I may need a little help. I would rather take a food order than have to ask for a house payment...which may at some point still be the case. But for now, I am realizing that everyone needs help sometime...and after my trip to the Bishop's Storehouse, I understand how being in this position can change you, forever. And there is so much we can learn from any point in the road we may be on, and blessings that follow with every step.
Derek went with us today to the Storehouse to pick up the food. As we were checking out, he asked if we could buy some cute socks that were on a rack nearby. He persisted after I told him no, because they were very cool looking socks. I had to tell him that those socks were not for sale and were just for people who didn't have any socks. I reminded him that he had plenty of socks at home, and we were just there to get food. He already knew that the church was helping us to get some food so we could save our money since Dad was out of work. He helped me to put the food in bags and I could tell he was thinking about the socks, and some little kids who really didn't have any. On the way out to the car he said "Our church is the nicest place in the world to help all of those people like that...."
Yes, Derek, it really is.
And just like that, a testimony takes hold, and begins. In the humblest of circumstances, in the most unexpected places, a moment I wouldn't trade for anything. I'll take it, and be grateful to be where I am right now.
Peanut Butter Cup Stuffed Chocolate Cookies
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